Hitching Rides With Buddha by Will Ferguson

Author:Will Ferguson [Ferguson, Will]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780676976984
Publisher: Knopf Canada
Published: 2005-08-09T00:00:00+00:00

6

I CAUGHT A RIDE into the port city of Maizuru with a man who worked for a furniture-shipping company. Maizuru has a confusing, split personality, with two separate downtowns divided by a peninsula. Above the city, rain clouds were lying heavy on the mountaintops, and when the first raindrops hit, I retreated into a bookstore for a bit of tachiyomi (reading while standing up). This is something of an art form in Japan. Store owners never scowl or say, “This isn’t a library, y’know.” You will see crowds of people—men, women, and school-children—standing in bookstores reading for hours, reading entire magazines, cover to cover, with nary a murmur of protest. It’s great (although some magazine publishers in Japan have recently taken to wrapping their more popular wares in shrink-wrap plastic).

It was while I was milling about in the language section that I came across a textbook and cassette entitled Porno! Learn English by Yourself! I had heard of this but until now had never seen it first-hand.

The Japanese fascination with studying English is virtually endless, and Porno English! combined two great passions: English and porn. It was inspired (I kicked myself for not having come up with the idea first), even if it was poorly executed.

There was, of course, a language tape and a lesson plan, as read by someone using the pseudonym Susie Bright. The content varied wildly from archaic Victorian erotica—“presently he glided my hand lower, to that part, in which nature and pleasure keep their stores in concert”—to the crudely direct—“let’s do tongue-sex!”

As far as second-language learning goes, it covered new ground, a whole cornucopia of human perversion—everything from golden showers to bondage—all politely presented in standard textbook style, with grammar points, tips on pronunciation, and explanations of correct usage (i.e., when to use screw and when to use amorous liaison). Some of it was, well—let’s just say I’m not sure what kind of response an earnest student of English would get if he ever tried to employ it.

The pickup lines, for one, were even worse than those used by Izanami and Izanagi. Here are some examples of the cool, sophisticated talk offered through the Porno English! language course:

You’ve got a good box. Let’s go to bed.

Or how about:

I’m an ass-man. Will you love me?

And the always effective:

You’re a cheese, darlin’.

(Calling someone “a cheese,” the text explains, is a sexual compliment.) A few more bon mots from the textbook:

(a) So, you’re a horny tomato.

(b) Try and trip around the world.

(c) You’re actually an oomph girl!

(d) The dildo! So perfect for tonight.

All are duly explained in grammatical detail, recited sombrely on the cassettes. And you just know that out there—somewhere—some poor Japanese businessman is sidling up beside a young lady and whispering in her ear: Say, you’re really an oomph girl, aren’t you?

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